Where you are

Blogging is so very strange. Who am I writing for? Is it for myself? Yes. Do I hope others will read it? Maybe. Do I wish I was writing about something a little more cheerful? So very much. I am tired of feeling sad and emotional and am ready for things to be good again. I told Phil yesterday that I just wish we could go back to life before... before all of this, before I even wanted to get pregnant. Take me back to 3 years ago when we were just recently married and life just felt FUN and simple and easy. Sometimes I go even further back to when I was a child, and in those moments I miss the innocence of life when everything is safe and the future is nothing but bright and exciting. I do think about how one day I will look back on this last year of my life, and I hope at that point, whenever it might be, I will be able to say "Ah yes, so that's what God was doing. It all makes sense now." I hope I will be a stronger person for having survived this dark and painful year. I dream that on this hypothetical future day, we will be holding the small hand of our child (or dare I even say children?) with my mom and brother beside us, both of them healthier and stronger than ever with their transplanted kidneys I pray they will both receive.

I start to wallow in self-pity when I think back to all we have been dealt in the last year, and then I have to refocus and remember that we have been very blessed too. My mom almost died, true, and it shouldn't have even happened. But, she DIDN'T die and even though it has been a rough road to travel, she is here today and we are eagerly awaiting some good news about a possible kidney donor. And I believe she will get that. I also believe my brother will get one when his time comes and he needs it. There are amazing people in this world who want to make this possible for them, and the blessing and beauty of that fact is something I can't even attempt to put into words. But I am thankful.

I am thankful and hopeful for the future, as we have so many uncertainties yet to traverse. And yet, my focus always comes back to this: I miss our baby. Right now, today. I haven't really thought about the simplest yet most difficult part of this very much, because it is also the part that is so unbelievably painful. But last night, as I lay in bed unable to fall asleep, I finally talked to God about the baby. I have to believe these little ones, even though they never see this side of eternity, do go straight to heaven to live with their Father. There they are fully formed and perfect and healthy, and they will be there when we one day leave this earth to join them. We will meet this sweet baby then and there is some comfort in that. So I asked God to take our baby and hold it for us, to tell it how much we loved it (and always will) and how very much we miss it. I asked him to tell it also how sorry I am that my body could not bring it all the way to full-term, and that even though we only had 10 weeks together, I don't think I have ever loved something so much in all my life. I miss you every day, sweet one, and it hurts so badly. I wish we could have met you and shared this world with you, but I am trying to rest in the fact that where you are is so much more beautiful. I know you are happy there.

So I guess today that is where I am at with my grief. I miss this little life so much. I miss knowing it was there inside me, growing every day. I miss anticipating our future together as a family. I miss your dad laying his hand over you at night, before we went to sleep. I miss praying for you and your future. I miss having my whole entire day revolve around you. I miss being happy, which is what you made me.

As I mentioned earlier, I look forward to a time when this blog might not be so depressing, but for now I can't seem to change the tone. It will get better, I know. But for now, this is where I am unloading the sadness that I'm afraid might otherwise completely overtake me. There are brighter days ahead...