Thanks

Today I am feeling like I want to be thankful. I want to be in a good mood. I haven't cried once since waking up (and maybe didn't cry yesterday? Is that really possible?) and it feels good. I feel like a normal human and not just a walking zombie, trying to fit in amongst the living. I am not foolish enough to think the grief and pain are over and that I can now walk away unscathed and ready to move on with my life. Quite to the contrary, I know without a doubt that this is just an up to ride out in the ups and downs of grief and heartache; the pain WILL come back. But maybe, just maybe, each time it comes back it will come knocking a little more softly. Perhaps it won't keep running me over like a bowling ball destroying the pins in one fell swoop. Maybe. I'd like to hope so.

Yesterday we got new carpet put in our two downstairs rooms, which are currently an office and a guest room. When we made the plans to order the carpet back in November I was pregnant. At that time, our plan was to turn one room into the nursery and the other into our bedroom, since we weren't going to want to trek up and down the (very steep, perilous) stairs at all hours of the night once the baby was here. The wood floors were in bad shape and we wanted something nice and soft for little hands and knees to crawl around on. This idea was just one of the things that shows how much this sweet baby was already moving in as a permanent fixture in our lives. This being the case, one would expect yesterday's carpet installation to be have been a very depressing project for me, but for some reason it wasn't something that really bothered me. It's so hard to know what will and will not trigger the sadness, but thankfully the carpet had no such effect. I like it and it does make these two rooms (which will stay an office and a guest room for the time being) much cozier. And I guess maybe my hope that we might still one day use these rooms as we had intended when we ordered the carpet helps me not dwell on the sadness of it all.

Last night Phil and I went out for dinner to our favorite sushi place. I obviously hadn't eaten any real sushi since the start of the pregnancy and I missed it. As we walked into the restaurant, I briefly thought about how we had last gone there together the night we had the positive pregnancy test (I ordered NO raw fish that night, to be sure). We were so excited. This made me sad momentarily, but it didn't ruin my evening. We had a great dinner and as always I was just happy to be out with my husband. I think this is slowly but surely getting more bearable.

I am thankful for so many things. I am also sad and anxious about just as many things. Therefore, my emotions are an honest-to-God mess that I usually have no control over. I feel helpless. I feel hopeful. I feel anxious. I have moments of peace and calm. I feel lonely and then I feel loved and supported. I'm all over the map right now. Today, I want to be thankful. I have the most amazing husband who I know will love me no matter what (even through swearing fits and raging hormones). I have a loving family who truly hurts with me. I have dear friends who call just enough that I know they care and haven't forgotten me in my sadness. Then there is the absolute joy and hope of a possible kidney donor for my mother (looking good so far). Add to that a warm house, a sweet cat, a job I like, and a loving God who provides peace in the midst of chaos and hope in the midst of utter despair. I have much to be thankful for and that's what I want to focus on today. Tomorrow is a crap-shoot and I can't make any promises, but I'm at least trying here, right? At least for today.