Swearing and drinking

The title sounds positive, right? The way I look at it, it's all part of dealing with this absolute shit of a situation (sorry, but swearing WAS in the title). Basically, today was a learning experience for me. Let me explain.

Going back to school was fine. Working was actually good and felt the most "normal" of anything I've experienced in the last week. When I'm "on" and teaching, it's actually possible to forget how I'm feeling. The kids are great and they have no idea that I'm even hurting, so somehow it's easier to just pretend that I'm not while I'm with them. Still, even at school, I am reminded frequently of what was lost.  I find myself standing with my hand on my belly involuntarily, for example. Additionally, I was not prepared for the reaction I'd have to seeing my pregnant, 17 year old student today. I passed her in the hall, walking with her twin-filled belly down the hall with her young boyfriend's arm around her shoulder. It was a sweet enough scene, but that's not what I noticed. Actually, I felt my eyes well up and I honestly thought I might throw up. My reaction was that severe to seeing her.  Luckily, I was close to the bathroom and was able to slide in unnoticed, where I hid in a stall and silently hyperventilated and calmed myself down. That was the low point of the day.

There were also high points. Let me share one, which came in the form of a sweet student from my dear TIES class (our advisory period). These are the kids I'll have had together in homeroom for 3 years total, staying with them until they graduate. They call me "mom" because I clean up after them and care about them. They drive me nuts, but I honestly love them. And I love them for worrying about me not being at school this week. Many of them stopped in to see me today and were just happy I was back. They wanted to know what was wrong, and for those who asked, I told them. They reacted with more sympathy and concern than many adults would be able to muster, and I am so impressed by that. Here is the email I got from one of them:

Hey Mrs.Moore/ Mom,

Soooo, basicly I was going to email you yesterday but my computer crashed. Anyways... I know you didn't die cuase' well I saw you at school. But on wednessday when you weren't there It just made me think how crazy awesome of a teacher you are. Truely, we all think you're the greatest. It's hard to think of having anyone other than you as our T.I.E.S teacher because you're just so amazing. I think we give you a hard time because we know you can take it and you're just the coolest mom ever. I think you really care about us which is the boom dot com.

You're the best ever at everything,

Samantha 

So bless their hearts (and thank you God) for the encouragement I really needed today. I was feeling like honestly no one cared about me or this miscarriage at school, b/c very few people came to see me at all. That sounds whiny and very "woe is me", but it's true. Three of my friends/coworkers even acknowledged me being back (thank you SO much to all 3 of you), and I am surprised by how much this upset me. I understand it is scary to come talk to someone who is hurting, and it's impossible to know what to say, but wow... saying nothing hurts more than anything else. I felt like no one cared about the miscarriage and that consequently no one cares about me. It's all not true, I'm sure, but how do you interpret that? This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, and every ounce of support is appreciated. I am not judging though. It's a busy time of year, as my mom points out, and people are focused on the holidays, etc. Also, this whole topic is still taboo in our society and people want you to just get over it and move on. I've never understood that so clearly. And trust me, if I could do that so easily, I would.
I guess I was just surprised by how LONELY I felt at work today, but I'm sure that's more just my state of mind than anything else. Grief is a lonely place to inhabit, and I'll be happy to leave it,  if ever that becomes possible.

Today also brought some painful "moving on" firsts. I realize I can once again drink coffee, drink wine, eat certain foods that are off limits during pregnancy, and (as I just did tonight) get my hair colored if I so choose. However, instead of making things better, these reopened off-limits activities only prove to make me even sadder. I don't WANT to be able to do these things and was all too happy to give them up for 9 months. Still, color my hair I did. And here I am with my first glass of wine in months (hence the 2nd half of the title). Both have proved to be just fine, although I'd much prefer the alternative. The hair cut and color today DID leave to my other highlight (no pun intended, seriously) of the day: The girl who worked on my color just happened to ask if I had kids. Wow, great question for this week. I must give off that "want to be a mom" vibe. Anyway, I told her, with very little emotion, what had happened. Later, as another woman was cutting my hair, the colorist came back in and handed me a gift certificate. She said, "We wanted to do something for you, so we hope you'll take this free massage." They gave me a FREE, one-hour massage at the Aveda Salon in Okemos from their most advanced level of service. This is no inexpensive gift. I was blown away. It made me cry, this random and unexpected act of kindness from total strangers. There are really good people in this world and sometimes God brings them into our lives when we most need them. And I can say that I will, of course, keep going back to the Aveda Day Salon in Okemos from here on out. They are good people. Consider visiting them next time you need any personal care service.