Clean and white

It has been almost one week since we found out we were losing our baby, and I can't decide if it feels like that time has passed quickly or slowly. Actually, I'm pretty sure it has been a long, slow week, so never mind. It's crazy to me that one week ago today we were doing our normal Sunday routine, and that through all of it I assumed our little one was growing away inside of me and that all was well. Well, actually, I had moments of worry when I realized how NOT pregnant I was feeling, but overall, I assumed I was still pregnant and that things were just fine. Last Sunday, we went to church and I found comfort in people asking about the pregnancy. We went grocery shopping, as we always do on Sundays, and I still found that only certain foods sounded good to me, so I stocked up on those and avoided most everything else. Throughout the pregnancy, my food aversions were so strong that my diet was basically the complete opposite of how I normally eat. For example, I usually have trouble digesting dairy and it has a very unpleasant effect on me. However, while pregnant I found I was craving all things dairy and gave in to those cravings. I ate a lot of macaroni and cheese and a LOT of Mexican food, so last Sunday we purchased both of these things in abundance. And it's so strange, but I do not want to eat either of them anymore. It's not that they don't sound good (although the ravenous craving is very obviously gone by this point), it's more that it makes me so sad to see those foods and remember what it felt like to really CRAVE them, knowing it was the baby that made the desire so strong. Now, I find I am avoiding the things, even if they are just foods, that I associate most strongly with the pregnancy. It's a small, seemingly insignificant thing, but it's also one more reminder of what's been lost.

Yesterday I felt a very strong sense of depression, not like anything I've ever felt in the past. I'd alternate between crying, sobbing, asking God to please HEAR me, and then staring blankly at the wall when the tears would stop. I've never had the urge to just LAY there and not do anything, but there honestly was nothing I could think of that would make me want to get up off the couch. I tried doing yoga, and that was good. I put in a DVD I used to do regularly, and found it was a huge challenge because I am so much more out of shape than I was pre-pregnancy. But I guess that gives me something to work towards. I tried going out, and drove to World Market because that is a store I normally love and it usually makes me happy. The store was mobbed with Christmas shoppers and I felt completely out of place there. I don't want to shop for Christmas and in fact don't want to shop at all. I didn't stay long. I felt like a zombie walking among the living, and instead of distracting me from the grief I'm trying to sort through, it only served to remind me that it was there, still very much causing me to feel out of touch with the real world for the time being.

Last night was the graduation party my dear friend Jen planned for me and for Erik, since we have both now finished the Spanish Masters program at CMU. I had very mixed feelings about going to this party, as I think I've already explained. I couldn't shake the depressing thought that we should have been announcing the pregnancy, and that I had so eagerly anticipated this night since the idea came about in October. I was worried I wouldn't make it through without losing it, but in the end it was fine. I only cried twice, and only once in public when my professor asked me how we were doing on our plan to start a family (the reason, she always knew, I was speeding through the program in the shortest amount of time possible). I know she regretted asking, and I was a little embarrassed that I cried, but oh well. Otherwise, I did enjoy seeing everyone and there were even moments that felt "normal", as though none of this was real and I had never even been pregnant to begin with. I'm glad I went and I'm thankful for those who came out to support us. And mostly, I am thankful for a friend who cared enough to plan the entire thing.

Mostly right now I am frustrated with my body: I want this bleeding/spotting to stop because I know my body cannot begin to regulate itself until it does. I'll go a day without anything, and think maybe it's done, and then suddenly there will be a lot there again. It's like a constant physical reminder of what's happened, and each time it makes me sad. I need that bleeding to stop. I need to go 20 days, at least, without ANY spotting before I can have my first period again, and that is what I'm praying for. Time feels so precious right now, as I feel that so much of it has already been lost through this whole ordeal. I can't wait 60 days for a period to come, as I've often had to do with my irregular cycles. I can't handle this in between time where I feel like I just hate this body of mine for malfunctioning and not being able to do what it was supposed to do. I need things to go back to "normal". So if you're reading this, even though I know talk of periods and bleeding and anything along those lines is "taboo" in our culture, if you could pray for the spotting to stop and for a real period to come as soon as possible, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm ready for at least the physical side of this miscarriage to be over, as I know the emotional side likely never will be.

For now, the snow outside is beautiful and somehow very comforting. It always makes me feel like the earth is being softly covered in a clean, fresh blanket, and honestly, that's just what I need right now. I wish I too could be covered like that, only instead of snow, I want it to be God's embrace, which I am trying desperately to feel, while most likely I am actually probably pushing him away with my anger/fear/doubts, etc... Maybe he can can just reach past those barriers anyway to pull me close to him. That would be nice.