Cold is the water...

It will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance... (Click here to hear this song)


Somehow, this second day has already started out being the hardest day yet. Yesterday I really do think I was numb to the reality of what was happening. I'm sure the meds and the anesthesia helped too. Today, on the other hand, I woke up ok, and while I didn't have as much trouble getting out of bed as yesterday, as soon as I came downstairs somethings seemed to trigger the opening of the floodgates. I feel such a sadness today and it's completely overtaking me. I can't stop crying. There are reminders of the pregnancy. Thursday, tomorrow, is the day we were taking the weekly belly pictures. I should probably go and erase those because now all they'll do is make me feel worse. There are baby-related books, journals, exercise DVD's, foods I was craving, gifts already given from my parents, and of course the mountain of maternity clothes we had already purchased in anticipation of my body changing, which it had already started to do. I had already gained weight and my pants had gotten just about too tight in the waist. That too is a reminder of what was lost. I wish my body could just magically go back to normal, but I'm sure I'll carry around this physical reminder for a while too. I'm not sure what to do with all of this "stuff." Throw it away? That was my initial desire, but that seems so depressing in and of itself. Perhaps I'll box it up and hide it somewhere.

Yesterday I felt eerily fine most of the day. It didn't feel right, but it did feel easier, and so I embraced it. I wish I could go back to that feeling. Today I feel more emotional pain; I feel the hurt of lost hopes and dreams, of a baby we had already started to imagine sitting in the backseat of our cars, toddling around our small house and sleeping in the soon-to-be nursery across the hall. It's accepting that that baby is gone, that it was removed from my body yesterday, that nothing remains now but ridiculous hormones that are wreaking havoc on my poor body. I realize this entire entry sounds completely melodramatic, but it's honestly how I feel.

I struggle with many parts of this. I really think I can accept that God knows what's best and that for whatever reason, this sweet baby was not meant to live in this world. But I don't understand then, why he chooses to let us even get pregnant with these babies. What is the point of that? And if miscarriage can happen at any point, why let it wait until nearly the end of the first trimester? Couldn't he have taken this child earlier on, at week 6, when we already thought we might lose it? I'll never understand that. Why were we given the 2nd chance, why were we told that it was time to stop worrying and to just enjoy the miracle of pregnancy, since everything looked 100% healthy and right after that initial scare? How does a fetus just one day stop breathing? Or, how does the placenta stop delivering the necessary blood flow? I mean, they can pinpoint the exact day when that happens (9 weeks and 1 day for us, the Saturday after Thanksgiving)? What happened? You of course can get no answers to these questions, which is unfortunate. Was it the flu shot they asked me to get a few days prior to that? Or was it nothing that I did, nothing that could have been prevented? Whatever it was, it robbed us of the most purest form of joy I had ever known. I think it's that joy I am grieving most today. Knowing you are growing a life inside of you, a life that is a combination of both yourself and your wonderful husband, is a feeling beyond compare to anything else I've ever experienced. I imagined so much for this baby... what its nose would look like, it's "Moore" feet with the distinctive big toes, its hair color, its likes and dislikes...

I guess it's just hard to accept that in one day's time, I have gone back to square one. I've gone from being a pregnant woman with the sweetest of secrets growing inside me, of which I was so close to making public (thank God I didn't), to just an empty woman with nothing there at all. I am not really struggling with being angry at God, as I think I mentioned before, but I do struggle with feelings of "it's not fair," or "why did you let us go so far, only to take it away"? I feel more hurt by God's decision than mad about it. I feel utterly confused by what happened, even though I do understand that miscarriage is so common and can happen to anyone. But when I looked at my family and all we have been through over the last year, I honestly thought, "Ok, here is God giving us hope. He would never give us this amazing miracle, only to take it away... not with everything else we have already been through." I honestly believed that, and maybe it was precisely that thinking, which I know is not right, that somehow allowed this to happen. We can't bargain with God. We can't say, "Well, you've already given us SO many struggles and challenges, so this time it has go smoothly, ok?" It doesn't work that way, and I know that. I was just being naive. Bad things happen all the time, and we rarely get a reason for them. It's just life.

So anyway, for today I try to rest and heal. It's hard for me to just sit here and do nothing. I'd almost rather be at school with all of the busy distractions to occupy my mind, but the incessant crying really wouldn't do at school today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. But just sitting here feels so depressing. It's too much time to think and focus on what's happened. And what's happened is terrible and ugly and hurts so deeply that I'd give a lot to just go back to yesterday's numbness. I wish there was a way to do a D&C of the hormones and emotions that go along with the miscarriage, because that is the part I really want out of my body the most. I feel broken.

I keep thinking, over and over: "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." That's it. I don't know why and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. He has definitely given us so much, and I'm so thankful for that. But, he has also taken something away and it was something I wanted more than anything else in the world. I'm not mad at him for that. I know I keep repeating that and maybe it's just to convince myself it's true. But I'm not mad. Not today anyway. I'm hurt, I'm lost, I'm disappointed and I'm grieving. I'm scared. I'm shattered. I'm broken. I'm so many things, but thankfully, I'm not angry. But even if I was, I know God's big enough for that. He'll love me even when I turn my back on him. He'll call me back.