Merry Christmas?

How quickly the tides can turn. Yesterday (and for many days before that) I really was feeling so much better overall, at least emotionally. I guess what I am learning with this whole miscarriage experience though, is to never get too comfortable with any one situation or feeling. Not while you're pregnant, and not once you've lost the baby either. Everything can change in an instant, and there is usually little to no warning. Today has not been a good day.

More clots from the moment I woke up this morning. Still, I didn't get TOO down about it. It's still not bright red, so I wasn't feeling overwhelmed or completely defeated. Then, on to dialysis with my mom, and even then I still felt ok overall. Not too down, not too overwhelmed, despite the constant brownish discharge EVERY time I go to the bathroom (tmi, I know). Then, click. It all changes. I go in the bathroom at the dialysis center and am once again faced with even MORE old blood, and for some reason, this one time it breaks me. I feel done. I feel pissed as hell. I feel defeated. Completely, 100%, no hope left defeated. I want to cry, but I can't. There are sick people all around me and here I am sad and worried about MYSELF. This only makes me feel worse about it all. I am angry at myself and I am angry at God. SO angry at God, in fact, that I begin to once again question if he's really even there, or if it's all just some stupid lie we tell ourselves because otherwise life would feel too hopeless and we would be overwhelmed by the random injustices of it all. I don't know. I pray to God constantly, I BEG him to hear me and to be near me and help me not feel so overwhelmed. I want to know he's there. I need to know he's there, really there, and that he hears me and cares. Maybe, as my mom says, his answer is just "no", and that's too upsetting to me so I just shut him out. Or maybe he's not really there at all and I'm just praying to the wind because otherwise it feels like there is no point. I have no idea. I WANT to believe in God, and I SO want to believe he hears me, cares and ultimately wants to work all of this for my good. I want that so badly. But on days like today, where I feel like zero of my prayers in the last year have been answered, it's a real struggle for me to believe that. I hate feeling this way, I really do. But what are we supposed to do when the things we spend our entire lives praying for don't happen, and in fact, rather than happen, they fall apart in the most painful ways possible? This is all because we live in a fallen world? What does that mean? That means I get to lose my baby and bleed ceaselessly while drug addicts and teenagers get to keep their babies, problem free? Why isn't the fallen world effecting them? It all just feels too random at times. I don't get it.

So there it is. Merry Christmas, right? This will not be the best Christmas in history for me, but I'm hoping one day I'll look back and laugh at my doubting, questioning, angry self with a clearer understanding of God's role in all this. I hope so.

I literally am back to feeling like I might break something very violently the next time I have to go to the bathroom and confront more of the endless blood flow caused by the death of our first child. I can't handle it anymore. I NEED it to stop and my prayers are not working. I'm at a loss.

I wish I could wish you all a Merry Christmas and mean it, but not today. Yesterday, yes and tomorrow hopefully, but not today.

Thanks for letting me rant... Here's to a brighter 2011.