Today I am honestly back in a funk and it feels like I am back to the very beginning of this whole nightmare. It's a day where I feel 100% unmotivated to do anything and would rather just stare out the window. I am tired. I am feeling defeated. This last week I felt I was on an upswing, which started on Tuesday. Monday, when we had our snow day, I suddenly had a LOT of bleeding after having very little during the week before that. That was another hard day, because seeing the blood is just so damn discouraging. It says to me that my body is not yet done with the miscarriage and that, well, I'm just going to have to wait a while longer before even beginning to THINK about moving on. It's a visual reminder that I am bleeding because I lost my baby. Otherwise, there would be no blood, quite obviously.
Anyway, after a rough day on Monday, the bleeding slowed down more and more throughout the week. By Thursday and Friday, it had all but stopped and I honestly felt like I had started to breathe a little easier. I felt HOPE for the first time that this really would end at some point, and that my body might just go back to normal. That is all I want right now. I want the bleeding to stop so I can start to trust in my body again. Unfortunately, I'm having no such luck.
After the two blood-free days, I woke up this morning at 4:20 a.m. and knew right away I was bleeding again. I went to the bathroom and there it was. Lots of it. I am passing lots of blood and clots every time I go to the bathroom and it makes me want to fucking swear non-stop because I am so angry. Today is the first day I've felt it so strongly. I am angry and done and I am sick of waiting for God to fix this. I am sick of everything, beginning with the pregnancy, starting out so hard, then getting just better enough that we get our hopes up, only to THEN have it all fucking fall apart again. Why is this stupid, horrible roller coaster really necessary in all of this? Why didn't we have the fucking miscarriage at week 6 when we first thought we would? Why did we get the all-clear after that to make us think things were really going to be ok? Would it have been so hard to just have the baby die then, rather than making us wait 4 more weeks, with each day getting us more and more excited about the future? What is the point in that? Why make us wait through that?
And now, why does my bleeding stop for days at a time, only to come back twice as hard as it was before? What the hell is wrong with my fucking body? I really, truly feel right now like I hate this shit-hole of a form I have been given to live in. It seems completely incapable of doing what it is supposed to do, whether that is nurture a fetus or heal after a surgery. According to the Dr., I am just at the "longer end of normal healing". I guess that means it's still within normal range to be bleeding like this 2 weeks after surgery, but that I'm getting towards the longer end of normal. That's awesome. If, by three weeks, the bleeding has not stopped, then they'll possibly do an ultrasound to see if there is a problem. And the most likely problem would be that they did not remove all of the fetal tissue (what a great term for our baby) the first time, and would then need to repeat the procedure, thus putting right back at the start all over again.
And I am no longer able to say I'm not angry at God, because I am. None of this is necessary. Not one part of it. If he wanted to take our baby, fine, I accepted that. If I needed to bleed in order to heal from the D&C, ok. But why must we get jerked around like this... for so long. I feel like God is flat-out ignoring my prayers to him. Is it so hard to heal a fucking cervix after two weeks have already passed? Haven't I been through enough already? I already had to have my baby suctioned out of my body like a fucking abortion, and now I have to sit here and receive physical reminders of that for weeks without end? No, I don't think any of this is necessary and I don't know why I'm being pushed like this. I might not have the strongest faith, but I do believe He hears me and that he knows what is going on here. I'm sure he's even sad to watch me suffer. But then, why does he let things pan out the way they do? We give God praise when things go right b/c we view these things as blessings, and then we are also supposed to praise him in the struggles, right? If he makes the good things happen, how and why does he choose who gets to receive those blessings and when? How hard is it to just heal one single cervix so a girl can stop bleeding and move on with her life?
I am so sorry about the language in this blog, but it's the honest truth of how I feel today. I feel like I am being pushed to my limit and I am not myself (clearly). I hate everything right now. I hate the way my life is currently panning out and I am so pissed about it. I don't know what else to do besides write it out as honestly as I can. It helps. I'm sorry if anyone reading this (is anyone even reading this?) is upset by this entry. But I'm sure you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And maybe at some point I'll just delete this whole blog anyway. But for now, it's real and it's honest and it's the only thing I can do at this point to let out the pent-up tension and anger.
I'm still waiting for the brighter days ahead that everyone keeps promising me... Maybe if I can ever stop this bleeding I'll begin to hope in that idea again, but not for today.
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