Day 3

Today I decided to stay home for one more day, and I'm glad I did. I needed one last day to reflect and wallow, but I do think I'm actually ready to start moving forward now. There will still be tears, because let's face it folks, I was a crier to begin with and this situation does nothing to help that fact. I cried, or was on the verge of tears more times than I care to count today, and yet I still consider today to be a day of progress for many reasons:

1) I exercised. I have been feeling like a complete worthless blob since this happened, and as a person who is usually quite active, sitting around all day was only exacerbating the problem. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I had already cut way back on the physical activity, since I feared it had something to do with my spotting early on (although it probably in reality did not). I have missed running, really RUNNING since I stopped a few months ago, but before it was always worth it: I knew I could return to it again once the baby was born, and I looked forward to that day eagerly. I didn't mind taking a 9 month hiatus if it meant my baby would be more protected. Now that this is no longer an issue, I am anxious to feel my feet hit the pavement again. It is a huge release for me and helps so much with my stress and anxiety. I love the sport. Would I rather have a baby? No doubt. I'd sit on my butt for the full 9 months on complete bedrest if that's what it took to hold my own child at the end, but considering that's no longer a possibility, I guess you could say I look forward to starting back up again. Which leads to today. I tried to run, and while my body might still be healing, as evidenced by the slight discomfort I felt and the light bleeding (which really has been there since the D&C anyway), it felt good to at least attempt it. I ended up walking more than running, but just to MOVE was a welcome relief. One step at a time.

2) I received two pieces of news from people very dear to me that forced me stop focusing 100% on myself, and this was a good thing. Both things required prayer and both had the effect of pulling me out of the self-pitying mire I had spent the last few days wallowing around in. It's amazing to me how God can send us these things when we are most self-absorbed, and how quickly they can turn it all around. It reminds me that life is bigger than just me and myself, right here, right now. Things are hard, really, really hard sometimes, but we're all in this life together, for the good and the bad. I am thankful for the piece of good news and I am very prayerfully believing the scary news will resolve itself and end well quickly.

3) I decided to go back to my Dr. and pick up the last ultrasound pictures from Monday. At that final ultrasound, which is where we determined the baby was no longer living, the tech did not offer to print me out the pictures, and I didn't ask. I didn't even think to. But by yesterday, I realized I kept going back to those last images of our baby, over and over again in my mind. So I called just to see if they could possibly still get those to me, and they said they could. I wavered back and forth on if I even wanted them. It seemed simultaneously morbid and necessary, and so ultimately I made the decision to just do it. I drove to the office today and picked up the envelope with the 3 little images, but I didn't open it until I was back to my car. I thought it would be awful and horribly painful, but mostly it was just comforting. There it was, our baby, tiny but tangible, and I was happy to have a chance to say goodbye in a less rushed, less shocked setting. It wasn't awful and I didn't lose control; I might still do that some day soon, but for today, I found comfort in those final, sweet images.

4) I dropped off all of the baby-related paraphernalia I had been hording from the public library, and I did this without crying. I don't need the reference books or the Prenatal yoga DVD's anymore, and it was worse having them sitting around the house. Now, at least, I won't have to look at them anymore.

5) I went to school after the day had ended and I started to get things back into some sort of order. When I first got to school, I had miscalculated and the day was not quite over. I did not want to see the kids yet, and so I hid in the mail room as the bell rang and they all filed out. I felt panicky and oddly anxious, with my heart racing, as I cowered there in the small room. I don't know what that was all about, but I'm glad I got it out of the way and I'm hoping it doesn't happen again when I go back for the full day tomorrow. I was then able to get my room back in order and to get things ready for tomorrow, which will make things much easier in the morning. Being there got my mind off of things, and that's a good thing. Working is a great distraction, so I do feel ready to go back tomorrow. Maybe I'll be moody and a bit unstable, but I'm pretty much like that a lot of the time anyway, so the kids might not even notice. They should be used to it by now.

All in all, I do feel today was a better day, and for the reasons outlined above, I feel confident that I will survive this nightmare of a reality just fine. I'm not naive enough to think my grieving is over, because I know myself better than that. It will sneak up on me when I least expect it (anytime I see a pregnant girl, for example), but I will get through it and time will help. My amazing husband will also help, as will my dear friends and family members who are doing what they can to make my life more manageable right now. To all of you, and I hope you know who you are, thank you.