So long, 2010!

2010 has NOT been the best year of my life; in fact, in many ways it has probably been the worst. I've been spending lots of time lately thinking about the new year coming up, and how thankful I am for the chance at a fresh start. New Years has never been a holiday with a whole lot of significance for me, and honestly I've never put much thought into it one way or the other. Like everyone else, I've made resolutions in the past, only to break them in less than a month. I've always been awake at midnight for the countdown, the ball drop, the champagne toast, and of course the kiss. All of these things are fun enough, but the actual significance of letting go of the past and starting over with a new year has never resonated very deeply with me. That is, until this year. This year I find I am actually impatient for 2010 to draw to close, because I want to let go of all of the heartache, fear and anxiety that has overshadowed the last 365 days of my life. Sure, I have so much to be thankful for from the last year of my life too, and the beauty of those moments is not lost to me; but the truth is that, more often than not, the beauty has been very unfortunately overshadowed by the darker elements of the last year.

In 2011, I want the light to win. I want the darkness to become a distant memory that serves only to help us better appreciate the blessings that are to come. I pray every day that this will be a year to harvest, after the difficult and painful drought of 2010. I am ready for some good to come about.

When I think back over these last 12 months, two main events push and shove their way violently to the front of my mind, trampling the beauty that I know was there all along as well. The first event was my mom's close call with death last May, when we spent those horrible days and weeks wondering if we were truly going to lose her. What was supposed to be a relatively simple surgery to remove one of her kidneys in preparation for her future transplant, somehow instead resulted in an emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding that nearly snatched my mother from our lives. That experience was by far the hardest thing I had ever been through, and it forced me to examine a lot of my beliefs in a whole new light. It also jarred me out of my relatively Pollyanna-esque worldview with the realization that we are actually in fact mortal. We aren't all going to be around forever, contrary to what we might like to think. Accidents happen everyday, and when a loved one is lost we don't always have fair warning to say our goodbyes. I grappled with the fact that I won't always have my mom and dad with me to help me out of life's quandaries, and to be honest, it's still not something I can even think about without crying. I don't want to imagine a world without them, and I'm certainly not ready for it yet. I think my mom realized that last spring, and I know I'm not the only one who was not ready to lose her. I believe she heard those messages loud and clear through the foggy days in ICU, because despite the odds, she did pull through. It was a very rocky road to recovery, but my mom is the strongest woman I have EVER met (I'm serious) and she pulled through clear to the other side. I have never been so thankful for anything in my entire life, and I have grown ever more aware of this thankfulness with each passing milestone she has been present for since then: Her birthday in August where we all were able to celebrate together in Pentwater, my brother's birthday in September, my mom and dad's anniversary in November, Thanksgiving and most recently, of course, Christmas. What a blessing to know we could very easily NOT had her with us for these events, but instead have her right there doing what she's always done: Working tirelessly to feed us copious amounts of food and doing her darnedest to ensure everyone else is happy and enjoying themselves.

Of course the one milestone I didn't mention above, but that I am still so thankful to have shared with her, was my first pregnancy. My prayer since high school has always been for both of my parents to live long enough to help raise my children. I started praying this because I did NOT have the luxury of personally knowing most of my own grandparents, since all but one had already passed on by the time I was around. I know this was hard on both of my parents, and I also knew that I didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I NEED my parents to be around to be a part of my kids' lives, and I mean it when I say I have prayed for just that since I was a teenager. And that is why I was so very excited to be able to share that first new life growing inside of me with my mom. I used to think that this baby was a blessing sent to our family as a message of hope. That my mom would get her transplant just in time to be healthy and strong enough to fully enjoy the boisterousness of a grandchild. I believed God was timing things out just perfectly for us, after all we had been through to get to this point. I'm sure I've already explained this. And I'm also sure I don't need to say that I no longer believe that was the case, obviously. And yet, I am still nonetheless so thankful that the joy and excitement of that first little life was something I got to share with both of my parents. And more selfishly, I am SO filled with gratitude that my mom was here to help me through the darkest heartache of the miscarriage. I don't think I could have made it through without her there for me. I know, at least, I wouldn't have wanted to try.

I am choosing to believe that in 2011 we will see better days. My mom is going to get her transplant and she is going to feel better, stronger and healthier than she has felt in years. And when the time comes, whether in 2011 or later, the same is going to happen for my brother. I believe this. I also am choosing to believe that my mom will hold her first grandbaby this year too. I believe it can happen, even if I falter most days between fearful doubt and peaceful hope. Actually, I'm going to go ahead and believe that both of my parents will be around to meet all of their grandchildren, but that even beyond that, they will still be around to see those same kids graduate from high school and maybe even one day get married. This I believe. Crazier things have happened.

Yep, 2010 was a shitty year. Sure, I can look at the highlights, like finishing my Master's degree in May (my mom ended up in the ICU that very week), going to Mexico for our 3rd anniversary (mom was back in the hospital with lung complications), finally getting to teach Spanish full-time (there's no bad-side to that, it's all just perfecto), Phil getting a promotion that means he no longer has to drive 50 minutes to work (again, nothing bad there), and so many other blessings for which I am grateful. But overall, this was a year I am happy to kick to the curb, and I am looking forward to much better things to come in 2011.

Oh, and I'll write about the acupuncture another day. It was an odd experience, but overall the entire concept of Traditional Chinese Medicine has me very excited and hopeful. She (the acupuncturist) feels she will be able to help regulate my cycles and help with any infertility issues, and from what I've read, I must admit I believe her. It's worth a shot, anyway!