First, a disclaimer is in order: I am fully aware of the fact that my current efforts towards having the most ideal fertility situation possible are growing increasingly crazy and obsessive. But I mean, come on, what else can I do? When I think back to the last pregnancy, I know I probably didn't DO anything that caused the miscarriage, but there is also lots I didn't do to prevent it either. First of all, I didn't expect to even GET pregnant to begin with, since the entire year leading up to that was full of unsuccessful efforts. I wasn't preparing my body to house a baby the way I could have been, and now I'm doing my best to ensure that this is exactly what I AM doing. I think of it as preparing the best, most comfortable and healthy home possible for our future little one. Is it a little over the top? Yep, you could definitely say that. But it makes me feel so much more hopeful and positive about the future, because I feel I am doing something right NOW for what I hope beyond hope will happen in the near future. And I have to admit, it feels GOOD to be taking such good care of myself. It feels really nice. I may never go back. :) Here are some of the odd things I am filling my days with right now in an effort to be "as fertile as possible" (all I can do is laugh at myself, really):
1) Fertility Yoga- This involves a different series of poses to perform during each stage of your cycle. It's from a DVD I ordered off of Amazon and I actually really like it. It is incredibly relaxing and soothing, which is just what my weary soul needs.
2) Chinese herbs- I am taking a combination of herbs I received from my acupuncturist. Apparently what herbs I am taking will also change depending on what stage of my cycle I am in.
3) Acupuncture- I had my first session earlier this week, as I mentioned before. Like I said, she is going to focus on helping me regulate my cycles (which have been anywhere from 28-64 days apart since I first started my period way back in the day). I now know, after reading the book and speaking with the acupuncturist, that this in itself indicates a lack of balance in my body that can apparently be fixed by a combination of changes in my diet and lifestyle, regular acupuncture (which will be less regularly needed once my cycles balance out), and herbs. I will see her weekly until this happens, and after that we can spread it out more. It's expensive, but it's worth it to me. It's hard to imagine the luxury of a regular cycle as it's not one I've ever known, but I look forward to that.
4) Eating organic foods- I have tried this VERY half-heartedly in the past, and I always fail. It's so much easier to just go to Meijer and buy the cheapest foods available, especially when trying to stick to a budget. But I've read enough now to be convinced that the hormones, pesticides, chemicals, etc. in most of the foods we eat are not at all good for us, and that they can in fact throw our hormones off balance. This means that for the time being, I am only going to eat organic fruits and veggies and hormone-free, organic meats as well. I have explored all of the stores in the area and while the options aren't great, they are definitely sufficient. I'm really going to do this this time, at least until after I see a healthy baby in my arms. I do believe it's important. Food is medicine, according to TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), and I'm applying that theory to my life for now.
5) Going straight-edge- Ha, by this I mean I am not drinking any caffeine or alcohol. This really isn't a big deal, as I'd given up both during the pregnancy anyway. If it's good for your baby and your body during pregnancy, it makes sense that it's also a wise idea as you try to PREPARE your body for just that. TCM advocates steering clear of both types of substances, and I'm happy to do it. Still, I miss having a glass of red wine now and then. And tonight, as it's New Year's Eve, I will probably miss the glass of champagne. But, it's worth it. AND it's temporary. That helps.
6) Exercise- Or I should say, the lack there of. I have been a runner basically since junior high school, and I think it really is just a part of who I am. I LOVE it and never, ever dread doing it. It's a huge stress-reliever for me and has a way of making anything going on in my life feel more manageable. Well, I now realize that my running was not doing anything to help my fertility. I realize I was probably running too much, at least for a woman trying to conceive. It's hard for me to admit this, because like I said, this is a hobby that brings me so much pleasure; however, I am very willing to give it up for the time being, if it will help me prepare that better home in my womb. And to be truthful, I thought it would be harder to give up than it really has been. I didn't go into withdrawals, nor did I fall into a deep depression (or maybe I did, but it got mixed in with the miscarriage depression, which was far worse). Either way, I have taken a temporary but extended hiatus from the sport I love and I'm OK with it. I'm doing a combination of walking and yoga now instead, and that's enough for me to feel like I am still moving a bit. I'm also taking far more rest days than I ever did before. Did you ever hear that we really shouldn't exercise while menstruating? It's not good for our bodies (according to TCM anyway) and can actually throw things off balance. I'm not explaining this very well, but when I read it it really spoke to me as making a lot of sense. Our bodies are trying to clear out and start over at that time, and we should allow it to do just that without adding extra stress to it. Additionally, I'm going to go ahead and keep the extra weight I was blessed with (ha, at least it means I get some new pants) from the pregnancy, because I know having some extra fat is actually a GOOD thing when you're talking about fertility. I'm embracing this new softer, slower, relaxed me and I'm thanking God that I feel so good about myself in this new state.
Oh, there are plenty of other very weird things I am doing (Royal Jelly, anyone?), but this will probably suffice to convince you I have completely lost my mind in this quest to become a mother. Oh well. :) If it works and I end up with a healthy baby, I won't regret a moment of it. And if it doesn't work, well, at least I will be healthier for all the effort.
It's time for me to go enjoy some exciting, organic snacks and maybe some carrot juice to ring in the New Year. Cheers!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
So long, 2010!
2010 has NOT been the best year of my life; in fact, in many ways it has probably been the worst. I've been spending lots of time lately thinking about the new year coming up, and how thankful I am for the chance at a fresh start. New Years has never been a holiday with a whole lot of significance for me, and honestly I've never put much thought into it one way or the other. Like everyone else, I've made resolutions in the past, only to break them in less than a month. I've always been awake at midnight for the countdown, the ball drop, the champagne toast, and of course the kiss. All of these things are fun enough, but the actual significance of letting go of the past and starting over with a new year has never resonated very deeply with me. That is, until this year. This year I find I am actually impatient for 2010 to draw to close, because I want to let go of all of the heartache, fear and anxiety that has overshadowed the last 365 days of my life. Sure, I have so much to be thankful for from the last year of my life too, and the beauty of those moments is not lost to me; but the truth is that, more often than not, the beauty has been very unfortunately overshadowed by the darker elements of the last year.
In 2011, I want the light to win. I want the darkness to become a distant memory that serves only to help us better appreciate the blessings that are to come. I pray every day that this will be a year to harvest, after the difficult and painful drought of 2010. I am ready for some good to come about.
When I think back over these last 12 months, two main events push and shove their way violently to the front of my mind, trampling the beauty that I know was there all along as well. The first event was my mom's close call with death last May, when we spent those horrible days and weeks wondering if we were truly going to lose her. What was supposed to be a relatively simple surgery to remove one of her kidneys in preparation for her future transplant, somehow instead resulted in an emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding that nearly snatched my mother from our lives. That experience was by far the hardest thing I had ever been through, and it forced me to examine a lot of my beliefs in a whole new light. It also jarred me out of my relatively Pollyanna-esque worldview with the realization that we are actually in fact mortal. We aren't all going to be around forever, contrary to what we might like to think. Accidents happen everyday, and when a loved one is lost we don't always have fair warning to say our goodbyes. I grappled with the fact that I won't always have my mom and dad with me to help me out of life's quandaries, and to be honest, it's still not something I can even think about without crying. I don't want to imagine a world without them, and I'm certainly not ready for it yet. I think my mom realized that last spring, and I know I'm not the only one who was not ready to lose her. I believe she heard those messages loud and clear through the foggy days in ICU, because despite the odds, she did pull through. It was a very rocky road to recovery, but my mom is the strongest woman I have EVER met (I'm serious) and she pulled through clear to the other side. I have never been so thankful for anything in my entire life, and I have grown ever more aware of this thankfulness with each passing milestone she has been present for since then: Her birthday in August where we all were able to celebrate together in Pentwater, my brother's birthday in September, my mom and dad's anniversary in November, Thanksgiving and most recently, of course, Christmas. What a blessing to know we could very easily NOT had her with us for these events, but instead have her right there doing what she's always done: Working tirelessly to feed us copious amounts of food and doing her darnedest to ensure everyone else is happy and enjoying themselves.
Of course the one milestone I didn't mention above, but that I am still so thankful to have shared with her, was my first pregnancy. My prayer since high school has always been for both of my parents to live long enough to help raise my children. I started praying this because I did NOT have the luxury of personally knowing most of my own grandparents, since all but one had already passed on by the time I was around. I know this was hard on both of my parents, and I also knew that I didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I NEED my parents to be around to be a part of my kids' lives, and I mean it when I say I have prayed for just that since I was a teenager. And that is why I was so very excited to be able to share that first new life growing inside of me with my mom. I used to think that this baby was a blessing sent to our family as a message of hope. That my mom would get her transplant just in time to be healthy and strong enough to fully enjoy the boisterousness of a grandchild. I believed God was timing things out just perfectly for us, after all we had been through to get to this point. I'm sure I've already explained this. And I'm also sure I don't need to say that I no longer believe that was the case, obviously. And yet, I am still nonetheless so thankful that the joy and excitement of that first little life was something I got to share with both of my parents. And more selfishly, I am SO filled with gratitude that my mom was here to help me through the darkest heartache of the miscarriage. I don't think I could have made it through without her there for me. I know, at least, I wouldn't have wanted to try.
I am choosing to believe that in 2011 we will see better days. My mom is going to get her transplant and she is going to feel better, stronger and healthier than she has felt in years. And when the time comes, whether in 2011 or later, the same is going to happen for my brother. I believe this. I also am choosing to believe that my mom will hold her first grandbaby this year too. I believe it can happen, even if I falter most days between fearful doubt and peaceful hope. Actually, I'm going to go ahead and believe that both of my parents will be around to meet all of their grandchildren, but that even beyond that, they will still be around to see those same kids graduate from high school and maybe even one day get married. This I believe. Crazier things have happened.
Yep, 2010 was a shitty year. Sure, I can look at the highlights, like finishing my Master's degree in May (my mom ended up in the ICU that very week), going to Mexico for our 3rd anniversary (mom was back in the hospital with lung complications), finally getting to teach Spanish full-time (there's no bad-side to that, it's all just perfecto), Phil getting a promotion that means he no longer has to drive 50 minutes to work (again, nothing bad there), and so many other blessings for which I am grateful. But overall, this was a year I am happy to kick to the curb, and I am looking forward to much better things to come in 2011.
Oh, and I'll write about the acupuncture another day. It was an odd experience, but overall the entire concept of Traditional Chinese Medicine has me very excited and hopeful. She (the acupuncturist) feels she will be able to help regulate my cycles and help with any infertility issues, and from what I've read, I must admit I believe her. It's worth a shot, anyway!
In 2011, I want the light to win. I want the darkness to become a distant memory that serves only to help us better appreciate the blessings that are to come. I pray every day that this will be a year to harvest, after the difficult and painful drought of 2010. I am ready for some good to come about.
When I think back over these last 12 months, two main events push and shove their way violently to the front of my mind, trampling the beauty that I know was there all along as well. The first event was my mom's close call with death last May, when we spent those horrible days and weeks wondering if we were truly going to lose her. What was supposed to be a relatively simple surgery to remove one of her kidneys in preparation for her future transplant, somehow instead resulted in an emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding that nearly snatched my mother from our lives. That experience was by far the hardest thing I had ever been through, and it forced me to examine a lot of my beliefs in a whole new light. It also jarred me out of my relatively Pollyanna-esque worldview with the realization that we are actually in fact mortal. We aren't all going to be around forever, contrary to what we might like to think. Accidents happen everyday, and when a loved one is lost we don't always have fair warning to say our goodbyes. I grappled with the fact that I won't always have my mom and dad with me to help me out of life's quandaries, and to be honest, it's still not something I can even think about without crying. I don't want to imagine a world without them, and I'm certainly not ready for it yet. I think my mom realized that last spring, and I know I'm not the only one who was not ready to lose her. I believe she heard those messages loud and clear through the foggy days in ICU, because despite the odds, she did pull through. It was a very rocky road to recovery, but my mom is the strongest woman I have EVER met (I'm serious) and she pulled through clear to the other side. I have never been so thankful for anything in my entire life, and I have grown ever more aware of this thankfulness with each passing milestone she has been present for since then: Her birthday in August where we all were able to celebrate together in Pentwater, my brother's birthday in September, my mom and dad's anniversary in November, Thanksgiving and most recently, of course, Christmas. What a blessing to know we could very easily NOT had her with us for these events, but instead have her right there doing what she's always done: Working tirelessly to feed us copious amounts of food and doing her darnedest to ensure everyone else is happy and enjoying themselves.
Of course the one milestone I didn't mention above, but that I am still so thankful to have shared with her, was my first pregnancy. My prayer since high school has always been for both of my parents to live long enough to help raise my children. I started praying this because I did NOT have the luxury of personally knowing most of my own grandparents, since all but one had already passed on by the time I was around. I know this was hard on both of my parents, and I also knew that I didn't want the same thing to happen to me. I NEED my parents to be around to be a part of my kids' lives, and I mean it when I say I have prayed for just that since I was a teenager. And that is why I was so very excited to be able to share that first new life growing inside of me with my mom. I used to think that this baby was a blessing sent to our family as a message of hope. That my mom would get her transplant just in time to be healthy and strong enough to fully enjoy the boisterousness of a grandchild. I believed God was timing things out just perfectly for us, after all we had been through to get to this point. I'm sure I've already explained this. And I'm also sure I don't need to say that I no longer believe that was the case, obviously. And yet, I am still nonetheless so thankful that the joy and excitement of that first little life was something I got to share with both of my parents. And more selfishly, I am SO filled with gratitude that my mom was here to help me through the darkest heartache of the miscarriage. I don't think I could have made it through without her there for me. I know, at least, I wouldn't have wanted to try.
I am choosing to believe that in 2011 we will see better days. My mom is going to get her transplant and she is going to feel better, stronger and healthier than she has felt in years. And when the time comes, whether in 2011 or later, the same is going to happen for my brother. I believe this. I also am choosing to believe that my mom will hold her first grandbaby this year too. I believe it can happen, even if I falter most days between fearful doubt and peaceful hope. Actually, I'm going to go ahead and believe that both of my parents will be around to meet all of their grandchildren, but that even beyond that, they will still be around to see those same kids graduate from high school and maybe even one day get married. This I believe. Crazier things have happened.
Yep, 2010 was a shitty year. Sure, I can look at the highlights, like finishing my Master's degree in May (my mom ended up in the ICU that very week), going to Mexico for our 3rd anniversary (mom was back in the hospital with lung complications), finally getting to teach Spanish full-time (there's no bad-side to that, it's all just perfecto), Phil getting a promotion that means he no longer has to drive 50 minutes to work (again, nothing bad there), and so many other blessings for which I am grateful. But overall, this was a year I am happy to kick to the curb, and I am looking forward to much better things to come in 2011.
Oh, and I'll write about the acupuncture another day. It was an odd experience, but overall the entire concept of Traditional Chinese Medicine has me very excited and hopeful. She (the acupuncturist) feels she will be able to help regulate my cycles and help with any infertility issues, and from what I've read, I must admit I believe her. It's worth a shot, anyway!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Traditional Chinese Medicine
Just to update, Phil and I came back to Lansing last night so I could have my labs drawn at Sparrow. My hcg levels had come down to 52.2, and while I was so hopeful they would be back to zero, I know it could have been worse (ie they could have still been much higher). I also had my follow-up appointment with the surgeon who did my D&C today, and she seemed to think all looked normal, including the hormone levels. According to her, the day of my surgery my hcg levels were still up around 77,000, so they really have come way down in the last 3 weeks (hence my lovely, hormonal mood swings, I'm sure). Still, they need to go back to below 5 for the whole thing to really be considered over, and even then it is usually another 4 weeks or so before you can get a normal period again. I will have more labs drawn in 2 weeks then to check to see if they have gone all the way down, and she did say that by then they should really be back to 0. That is what I'm praying for! She also said my uterus seems to be shrinking back down as it should be, and when she did the pelvic exam (is there anything worse for a woman to go through, seriously?) she said the cervix appeared to be closed back up as it should be. I'll spare the details of the rest of the exam, but the overall consensus seemed to be that all looked as it should be looking 3 weeks post-surgery. I will see her again in one month to look at if or not my cycles have started back up or not.
On a different note, I am now looking into Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). This is based on a book I am reading that was recommended to me by a friend who went through the full gamut of infertility treatments. It has proven to be a very interesting read and I am learning so much about the differences and connections between Western and Eastern Medicine. I love the idea of treating the whole self and not just a symptom, and I LOVE how confident the author is that there is no such thing as infertility; rather, it is almost always an imbalance (or multiple imbalances) in the body that can be cured or at least helped with a combination of lifestyle changes (dietary, etc.), herbal supplements, and acupuncture or acupressure. I'll admit I was very skeptical about all of this before reading the book, but it all really makes so much sense to me, and I guess it's hard to question something that has worked for so many people since ancient times (since long before Western medicine even existed). I also like how the author is both a Western doctor and a practitioner of Eastern medicine, so she does not propose that one is right and one is wrong. She talks about using both in conjunction and how if one can't give you answers, often the other can.
Anyway, I am taking the "It can't hurt" attitude to this all and am giving it a shot. Tomorrow I have my first acupuncture appointment and I'm really excited. I've read that this can cure (or at least help) so many ailments, including irregular cycles (that's me) and infertility (also possibly me). This acupuncturist is also licensed in Chinese herbal supplements, so I will be talking to her about that as well. And finally, I will continue to practice yoga, including fertility yoga (Yes, there is such a thing. I have the DVD's to prove it!), because again, it can't hurt. I guess it all just feels like something I can do to possibly help a situation I am otherwise totally helpless in. And I feel hopeful.
I will also continue praying. I have decided, even when I get angry and upset at God, even when I question if he's really even there and if he hears me, I will believe. And I do. I know he hears me and I will keep laying my requests before him, all the while trusting that his plan for me will be what's best for me, even when it isn't what I want at that time. So for now, it will be lots of praying and some traditional Chinese medicine for this girl. I'll update as I learn more, but if you are at all interested in the book I'm basing this on, please just let me know!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas?
How quickly the tides can turn. Yesterday (and for many days before that) I really was feeling so much better overall, at least emotionally. I guess what I am learning with this whole miscarriage experience though, is to never get too comfortable with any one situation or feeling. Not while you're pregnant, and not once you've lost the baby either. Everything can change in an instant, and there is usually little to no warning. Today has not been a good day.
More clots from the moment I woke up this morning. Still, I didn't get TOO down about it. It's still not bright red, so I wasn't feeling overwhelmed or completely defeated. Then, on to dialysis with my mom, and even then I still felt ok overall. Not too down, not too overwhelmed, despite the constant brownish discharge EVERY time I go to the bathroom (tmi, I know). Then, click. It all changes. I go in the bathroom at the dialysis center and am once again faced with even MORE old blood, and for some reason, this one time it breaks me. I feel done. I feel pissed as hell. I feel defeated. Completely, 100%, no hope left defeated. I want to cry, but I can't. There are sick people all around me and here I am sad and worried about MYSELF. This only makes me feel worse about it all. I am angry at myself and I am angry at God. SO angry at God, in fact, that I begin to once again question if he's really even there, or if it's all just some stupid lie we tell ourselves because otherwise life would feel too hopeless and we would be overwhelmed by the random injustices of it all. I don't know. I pray to God constantly, I BEG him to hear me and to be near me and help me not feel so overwhelmed. I want to know he's there. I need to know he's there, really there, and that he hears me and cares. Maybe, as my mom says, his answer is just "no", and that's too upsetting to me so I just shut him out. Or maybe he's not really there at all and I'm just praying to the wind because otherwise it feels like there is no point. I have no idea. I WANT to believe in God, and I SO want to believe he hears me, cares and ultimately wants to work all of this for my good. I want that so badly. But on days like today, where I feel like zero of my prayers in the last year have been answered, it's a real struggle for me to believe that. I hate feeling this way, I really do. But what are we supposed to do when the things we spend our entire lives praying for don't happen, and in fact, rather than happen, they fall apart in the most painful ways possible? This is all because we live in a fallen world? What does that mean? That means I get to lose my baby and bleed ceaselessly while drug addicts and teenagers get to keep their babies, problem free? Why isn't the fallen world effecting them? It all just feels too random at times. I don't get it.
So there it is. Merry Christmas, right? This will not be the best Christmas in history for me, but I'm hoping one day I'll look back and laugh at my doubting, questioning, angry self with a clearer understanding of God's role in all this. I hope so.
I literally am back to feeling like I might break something very violently the next time I have to go to the bathroom and confront more of the endless blood flow caused by the death of our first child. I can't handle it anymore. I NEED it to stop and my prayers are not working. I'm at a loss.
I wish I could wish you all a Merry Christmas and mean it, but not today. Yesterday, yes and tomorrow hopefully, but not today.
Thanks for letting me rant... Here's to a brighter 2011.
More clots from the moment I woke up this morning. Still, I didn't get TOO down about it. It's still not bright red, so I wasn't feeling overwhelmed or completely defeated. Then, on to dialysis with my mom, and even then I still felt ok overall. Not too down, not too overwhelmed, despite the constant brownish discharge EVERY time I go to the bathroom (tmi, I know). Then, click. It all changes. I go in the bathroom at the dialysis center and am once again faced with even MORE old blood, and for some reason, this one time it breaks me. I feel done. I feel pissed as hell. I feel defeated. Completely, 100%, no hope left defeated. I want to cry, but I can't. There are sick people all around me and here I am sad and worried about MYSELF. This only makes me feel worse about it all. I am angry at myself and I am angry at God. SO angry at God, in fact, that I begin to once again question if he's really even there, or if it's all just some stupid lie we tell ourselves because otherwise life would feel too hopeless and we would be overwhelmed by the random injustices of it all. I don't know. I pray to God constantly, I BEG him to hear me and to be near me and help me not feel so overwhelmed. I want to know he's there. I need to know he's there, really there, and that he hears me and cares. Maybe, as my mom says, his answer is just "no", and that's too upsetting to me so I just shut him out. Or maybe he's not really there at all and I'm just praying to the wind because otherwise it feels like there is no point. I have no idea. I WANT to believe in God, and I SO want to believe he hears me, cares and ultimately wants to work all of this for my good. I want that so badly. But on days like today, where I feel like zero of my prayers in the last year have been answered, it's a real struggle for me to believe that. I hate feeling this way, I really do. But what are we supposed to do when the things we spend our entire lives praying for don't happen, and in fact, rather than happen, they fall apart in the most painful ways possible? This is all because we live in a fallen world? What does that mean? That means I get to lose my baby and bleed ceaselessly while drug addicts and teenagers get to keep their babies, problem free? Why isn't the fallen world effecting them? It all just feels too random at times. I don't get it.
So there it is. Merry Christmas, right? This will not be the best Christmas in history for me, but I'm hoping one day I'll look back and laugh at my doubting, questioning, angry self with a clearer understanding of God's role in all this. I hope so.
I literally am back to feeling like I might break something very violently the next time I have to go to the bathroom and confront more of the endless blood flow caused by the death of our first child. I can't handle it anymore. I NEED it to stop and my prayers are not working. I'm at a loss.
I wish I could wish you all a Merry Christmas and mean it, but not today. Yesterday, yes and tomorrow hopefully, but not today.
Thanks for letting me rant... Here's to a brighter 2011.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Home for the Holidays
I made it home to Traverse City yesterday and, as always, it feels so good to be here. Traverse City is comfortable for me. It's still "home", even if I haven't technically lived here in 10 years. I still want to move back, and there is always that pull on my heartstrings when I'm back here. Will we ever actually do that? Not sure. It's nice to dream about it though!
I continue to feel better overall, although I also continue to have spotting, and this is the most frustrating part for me. I'm going on 2 and half weeks of this, which I wouldn't mind so much if I could be assured it was 100% normal and didn't indicate an underlying problem. Hopefully, it just means that for whatever reason my body is taking its sweet time in healing from the surgery. I'm holding on to that hope, and continuing to pray each day that it will be the LAST day of the bleeding/spotting. So far, that hasn't happened, but maybe tomorrow will be the day. A girl can hope, right? This has definitely turned into the hardest part of this (besides the no longer having a baby to meet in June part). So those of you out there who believe in prayer (or even if you don't), you might throw one up there that this bleeding would go ahead and cease. Like now. I need it to end! Thanks! :)
I am remarkably less weepy than I was a week ago. I really do feel like, oh, maybe 3 or 4 days ago, I woke up and suddenly didn't feel so BURIED in the grief. It felt like there was a distinct moment when I realized I was no longer totally consumed with myself and my sadness. It's still there and of course I'm still sad, but I also feel more like my old self and even find myself LAUGHING occasionally (if you lived with Phil, you'd find it's hard not to laugh too). If you had told me, during those first few darkest days, that in just a couple of weeks it wouldn't hurt quite so badly and that I might even notice the sun again, I would have probably (sworn at you and) not believed you for one second. But it's true. I can see the good in my life, the blessings, the HOPE for the future. Don't get me wrong, there are still moments where I feel bitter at what was lost and long for, literally YEARN for our baby to still be there, growing inside me. But that possibility is gone and I have accepted that. I'm looking to the future and trusting that 2011 is going to be a better year (it HAS to get better from here, right?) for our family. I believe it will be. I believe some good will come of this, even if I can't see or understand what that good is for a very long time. I will trust that someday I'll understand a little more clearly than I can right now.
I read this last night, and it somehow comforts me:
God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28). It may be difficult for us to see and understand how this is accomplished at times, but God has promised it, and He will deliver.
I'm holding on to that promise...
For now, there is a fire going to my left, with a sleeping dog resting at my feet. My mom is resting in her comfy, new chair as we watch television by the light of the Christmas tree. Tomorrow, my Philip, brother, sister-in-law and aunt will arrive and we'll all be together for the holiday weekend. It's cozy and warm and beautiful and I'm ok. We're all ok.
Merry almost-Christmas!
I continue to feel better overall, although I also continue to have spotting, and this is the most frustrating part for me. I'm going on 2 and half weeks of this, which I wouldn't mind so much if I could be assured it was 100% normal and didn't indicate an underlying problem. Hopefully, it just means that for whatever reason my body is taking its sweet time in healing from the surgery. I'm holding on to that hope, and continuing to pray each day that it will be the LAST day of the bleeding/spotting. So far, that hasn't happened, but maybe tomorrow will be the day. A girl can hope, right? This has definitely turned into the hardest part of this (besides the no longer having a baby to meet in June part). So those of you out there who believe in prayer (or even if you don't), you might throw one up there that this bleeding would go ahead and cease. Like now. I need it to end! Thanks! :)
I am remarkably less weepy than I was a week ago. I really do feel like, oh, maybe 3 or 4 days ago, I woke up and suddenly didn't feel so BURIED in the grief. It felt like there was a distinct moment when I realized I was no longer totally consumed with myself and my sadness. It's still there and of course I'm still sad, but I also feel more like my old self and even find myself LAUGHING occasionally (if you lived with Phil, you'd find it's hard not to laugh too). If you had told me, during those first few darkest days, that in just a couple of weeks it wouldn't hurt quite so badly and that I might even notice the sun again, I would have probably (
I read this last night, and it somehow comforts me:
God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28). It may be difficult for us to see and understand how this is accomplished at times, but God has promised it, and He will deliver.
I'm holding on to that promise...
For now, there is a fire going to my left, with a sleeping dog resting at my feet. My mom is resting in her comfy, new chair as we watch television by the light of the Christmas tree. Tomorrow, my Philip, brother, sister-in-law and aunt will arrive and we'll all be together for the holiday weekend. It's cozy and warm and beautiful and I'm ok. We're all ok.
Merry almost-Christmas!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thanks
Today I am feeling like I want to be thankful. I want to be in a good mood. I haven't cried once since waking up (and maybe didn't cry yesterday? Is that really possible?) and it feels good. I feel like a normal human and not just a walking zombie, trying to fit in amongst the living. I am not foolish enough to think the grief and pain are over and that I can now walk away unscathed and ready to move on with my life. Quite to the contrary, I know without a doubt that this is just an up to ride out in the ups and downs of grief and heartache; the pain WILL come back. But maybe, just maybe, each time it comes back it will come knocking a little more softly. Perhaps it won't keep running me over like a bowling ball destroying the pins in one fell swoop. Maybe. I'd like to hope so.
Yesterday we got new carpet put in our two downstairs rooms, which are currently an office and a guest room. When we made the plans to order the carpet back in November I was pregnant. At that time, our plan was to turn one room into the nursery and the other into our bedroom, since we weren't going to want to trek up and down the (very steep, perilous) stairs at all hours of the night once the baby was here. The wood floors were in bad shape and we wanted something nice and soft for little hands and knees to crawl around on. This idea was just one of the things that shows how much this sweet baby was already moving in as a permanent fixture in our lives. This being the case, one would expect yesterday's carpet installation to be have been a very depressing project for me, but for some reason it wasn't something that really bothered me. It's so hard to know what will and will not trigger the sadness, but thankfully the carpet had no such effect. I like it and it does make these two rooms (which will stay an office and a guest room for the time being) much cozier. And I guess maybe my hope that we might still one day use these rooms as we had intended when we ordered the carpet helps me not dwell on the sadness of it all.
Last night Phil and I went out for dinner to our favorite sushi place. I obviously hadn't eaten any real sushi since the start of the pregnancy and I missed it. As we walked into the restaurant, I briefly thought about how we had last gone there together the night we had the positive pregnancy test (I ordered NO raw fish that night, to be sure). We were so excited. This made me sad momentarily, but it didn't ruin my evening. We had a great dinner and as always I was just happy to be out with my husband. I think this is slowly but surely getting more bearable.
I am thankful for so many things. I am also sad and anxious about just as many things. Therefore, my emotions are an honest-to-God mess that I usually have no control over. I feel helpless. I feel hopeful. I feel anxious. I have moments of peace and calm. I feel lonely and then I feel loved and supported. I'm all over the map right now. Today, I want to be thankful. I have the most amazing husband who I know will love me no matter what (even through swearing fits and raging hormones). I have a loving family who truly hurts with me. I have dear friends who call just enough that I know they care and haven't forgotten me in my sadness. Then there is the absolute joy and hope of a possible kidney donor for my mother (looking good so far). Add to that a warm house, a sweet cat, a job I like, and a loving God who provides peace in the midst of chaos and hope in the midst of utter despair. I have much to be thankful for and that's what I want to focus on today. Tomorrow is a crap-shoot and I can't make any promises, but I'm at least trying here, right? At least for today.
Yesterday we got new carpet put in our two downstairs rooms, which are currently an office and a guest room. When we made the plans to order the carpet back in November I was pregnant. At that time, our plan was to turn one room into the nursery and the other into our bedroom, since we weren't going to want to trek up and down the (very steep, perilous) stairs at all hours of the night once the baby was here. The wood floors were in bad shape and we wanted something nice and soft for little hands and knees to crawl around on. This idea was just one of the things that shows how much this sweet baby was already moving in as a permanent fixture in our lives. This being the case, one would expect yesterday's carpet installation to be have been a very depressing project for me, but for some reason it wasn't something that really bothered me. It's so hard to know what will and will not trigger the sadness, but thankfully the carpet had no such effect. I like it and it does make these two rooms (which will stay an office and a guest room for the time being) much cozier. And I guess maybe my hope that we might still one day use these rooms as we had intended when we ordered the carpet helps me not dwell on the sadness of it all.
Last night Phil and I went out for dinner to our favorite sushi place. I obviously hadn't eaten any real sushi since the start of the pregnancy and I missed it. As we walked into the restaurant, I briefly thought about how we had last gone there together the night we had the positive pregnancy test (I ordered NO raw fish that night, to be sure). We were so excited. This made me sad momentarily, but it didn't ruin my evening. We had a great dinner and as always I was just happy to be out with my husband. I think this is slowly but surely getting more bearable.
I am thankful for so many things. I am also sad and anxious about just as many things. Therefore, my emotions are an honest-to-God mess that I usually have no control over. I feel helpless. I feel hopeful. I feel anxious. I have moments of peace and calm. I feel lonely and then I feel loved and supported. I'm all over the map right now. Today, I want to be thankful. I have the most amazing husband who I know will love me no matter what (even through swearing fits and raging hormones). I have a loving family who truly hurts with me. I have dear friends who call just enough that I know they care and haven't forgotten me in my sadness. Then there is the absolute joy and hope of a possible kidney donor for my mother (looking good so far). Add to that a warm house, a sweet cat, a job I like, and a loving God who provides peace in the midst of chaos and hope in the midst of utter despair. I have much to be thankful for and that's what I want to focus on today. Tomorrow is a crap-shoot and I can't make any promises, but I'm at least trying here, right? At least for today.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Apology
Soooo, yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. I am not going to write a lot right now (or maybe I will), but I do want to say I'm sorry for yesterday's blog. When I first wrote it, I hadn't intended it to be so R-rated. language-wise. Then, when I started writing, the words and the ANGER just rolled on out and I couldn't (and didn't want to) stop it. I thought I'd just write it out for the release, then go back and delete the swear words before posting; however, in the end I decided to just go ahead and share what I was really feeling. I do feel bad for the fact that I know my moods can effect those that love me (sorry mom), and that my mood was so LETHAL yesterday that those who read this and care probably couldn't help but feel a little worse after reading that. Either that, or maybe you just thought I was a raging lunatic who had gone of the deep end. Either way, your reaction yesterday probably wasn't good. Sorry.
I apologize for the language used, although in truth I'm not TOO sorry because it was real and it was honest in the moment, and all I want is to share how I feel (poor Phil). I am realizing that I really want to talk about these things, but the people who ask and really want to listen are unfortunately far too few. And maybe it's not even fair for me to want people to offer me this. I mean, who really wants to have a very dark and depressing conversation with a hurting girl full of impossible questions? As it would turn out, not very many people. And for those who DO ask and DO listen, thank you!
Today is better than yesterday, and I wanted to write this blog to assure those reading that I am no longer spouting expletives with every other sentence. My anger has subsided, for now. I feel less panicked and anxious and more able to live in today. Today I am thankful for many things, struggling with a few things, and ready to move on into the future where anything could happen.
P.S. A friend shared this video with me today and it made me smile. Cats are always guaranteed to brighten my mood. :)
I apologize for the language used, although in truth I'm not TOO sorry because it was real and it was honest in the moment, and all I want is to share how I feel (poor Phil). I am realizing that I really want to talk about these things, but the people who ask and really want to listen are unfortunately far too few. And maybe it's not even fair for me to want people to offer me this. I mean, who really wants to have a very dark and depressing conversation with a hurting girl full of impossible questions? As it would turn out, not very many people. And for those who DO ask and DO listen, thank you!
Today is better than yesterday, and I wanted to write this blog to assure those reading that I am no longer spouting expletives with every other sentence. My anger has subsided, for now. I feel less panicked and anxious and more able to live in today. Today I am thankful for many things, struggling with a few things, and ready to move on into the future where anything could happen.
P.S. A friend shared this video with me today and it made me smile. Cats are always guaranteed to brighten my mood. :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)