Feeling sorry for myself

This is to God:

God, are you hearing me? I hurt, Lord. I hurt so, so badly, and every time I think it's getting better, something happens that rips that scab right back off and I'm back to the start. Life has been so hard lately, in what feels like every way imaginable. What are you doing to me God? I have surrendered everything to you, and have found temporary peace in that act, but always, ALWAYS the pain comes back, along with the fear that walks hand in hand with that pain.

Today someone on facebook announced their pregnancy by posting an ultrasound pic of a perfect little baby... due July 4th, just 4 days after my due date. This keeps happening, over and over. The scab was ripped painfully back off. There in front of me was a picture of how my baby should look right now. A beautiful little nose, a sweet, round belly. And of course the pain I have worked so hard to conquer rushes over me just like the first day we lost the baby. It hurts just the same. I want my baby back. I hate everyone who is pregnant right now, HATE them. I hate everyone who has children and has never had to endure the awful pain of a miscarriage. I hate everyone who posts pictures of their perfect babies that they had with zero complications. I hate those who boast of answered prayers, when every single one of mine receives the exact OPPOSITE of what I petition for. Why do some people get the blessings they desire, when all I get is more and more disappointment? Of course, you know I do not actually hate any of these people. In fact, I love many of them so much. What I actually hate is the sad, bitter FEELING I have that prevents me from being truly happy for them when that is how I SHOULD be feeling. I hate SO much about my life right now. And I hate feeling like this. So much hatred. So much negativity. It's awful and I can't wait to get away from here.

Lord, where are you? You took our baby, and then you took my mom's donor we were so sure we were going to get. Or, maybe you didn't take these things. I don't know, those are some of my faith questions I might never get answered. With each disappointment I feel like I have been broken down even further. But still, I surrendered. Then, you very nearly took Phil's dad's life, and while he is still here on earth with us, the reality is that he is SO very ill. Bill Moore is a remarkable man, the sweetest father-in-law a girl could hope for, and an amazing grandaddy too. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose my mom. Phil and I both have very sick parents and neither of us are ready to lose them. This is hard, terrifying, exhausting.

Right now I struggle to understand why God is giving us so much disappointment and pain all at once. I try to look at it to see what I could be learning right now, what life lessons I could be gleaning from my heartache. So far, I have learned the necessity of surrendering, and that's a good lesson to learn. But then, other days, I feel just downright sad, depressed, forlorn, hopeless, forgotten, forsaken, angry, bitter, jealous, hateful, pessimistic and unable to see what exactly I am supposed to be praising God for right now. I have had enough of all of this. I am so very tired of feeling this way. I feel DESPERATE for something good to happen, anything. Some glimmer of hope to help me want to hang on just a little while longer. God? Do you even hear these cries? David cried out to you similarly in the Psalms, and I relate to his anguish. How long Lord? It's so, so hard. I need you to hear me. I can't take much more.

But then, tomorrow is a new day and we can always hope the sun will shine again... It HAS to shine again someday, I know that. Nights are always harder for me lately, and in the morning I will once again feel more hopeful. After all, maybe tomorrow is the day good things will start happening...