Supernatural Peace

Something very strange has happened, and by strange I mean good. And good things haven't really been on the menu much lately, so I figured I better write about it before I forget. In my last post I think I made it pretty clear that I was buckling under the pressure and weight of all the stressful things going on in my life. I was feeling desperate and frantic with anxiety, and depressed with the sadness of all that seems to be going wrong in my life. I was miserable and finding it increasingly hard to see anything good in the day-to-day living. It's just been a hard stretch and I've been dealing the best I could, which really wasn't that well at all.

Well, midway through this last week I got some very disheartening news from my mom: The potential kidney donor that we were so sure was going to work out did not pass her physical and would no longer be able to donate to my mom. It's a very long story as to why this is so upsetting, but suffice it to say that we were all feeling very confident that this was going to be the one, especially since St. Mary's hospital all but guaranteed that that was the case. When my mom told me the bad news, I instantly burst into tears. This was on my drive to school. I initially felt shock that honestly, one more horrible thing was happening in my life. I hadn't believed it could possibly get any worse, and then it did. I hung up the phone and proceeded to have the mother of all breakdowns. In all honesty, I should probably have pulled the car over, but I didn't. Instead, I literally screamed at the top of my lungs and cried with more force than I ever have in my entire life. I swore and screamed and sobbed with all of my being, and all of this was directed at God. I reached my breaking point that morning and something very real shattered inside of me. It sounds melodramatic, I know, but it's true. If it had been possible me to collapse into a pool of nothingness while driving, that's what I would have done. I felt like rubber, like every bone in my body had turned to liquid and I could no longer support myself. Basically, as I realized later, I reached my honest-to-God breaking point and cried until it felt like there was nothing left inside of me.

Walking into school that morning, I felt almost weightless. I don't know how else to describe it. I still felt vulnerable and couldn't fully stop crying, but the tension was somehow gone. I really, truly felt like I was floating in a dream-like state of disbelief and sadness.

That day I went about things as usual. I taught, I graded, I went to lunch, I made copies. And I didn't really cry again. Something real had changed about me, but I didn't yet fully realize it. What this change has meant is impossible for me to put into words, but I'm going to try anyway. I believe that when I reached my breaking point that morning and told God I was giving up, that I couldn't do this anymore and that he could just do whatever he damn well pleased with me and my life because I was done... I believe he took me at my word and took over. He took me anxiety and replaced it with peace. In truth, I feel a very real peace about things that I truly think has to be from God, because honestly, there is nothing to feel peaceful about right now. How else do I explain this calm, anxiety-free state of mind I have somehow encountered against all odds? It has to be supernatural and I am thankful for it. My circumstances have not changed. In fact, they have gotten worse now with Phil's dad also in the hospital with a liver disease they can't quite seem to figure out. In reality, I SHOULD be stressed and anxious, right? If you know me, you know I struggle with anxiety as it is, even in regular, every day circumstances. I've even been on medication for this issue. So it's no wonder my body had turned into a giant ball of tension and stress over these last 6 months. It IS a wonder however, that after my colossal breakdown this week, after I gave up and gave it all to God once and for all, I have felt a strange sense of peace that's almost akin to numbness. In choosing to hand it over and really, finally trust God's plan above my own, I no longer feel so obsessively anxious about it all. It's out of my control and I have surrendered, and in doing so, I feel free from all the weight and worry I've been carrying around with me. It's a good feeling and I wanted to share. I think it's an honest-to-goodness miracle in the midst of a lot of horrible chaos.

Additionally, I have made my personal mantra "God is good", and I repeat it probably hundreds of times a day. Every time I start to think about the things I am unhappy about right now and how I wish they'd change, I stop myself and start repeating that phrase. And I think it is altering my outlook. I know God is ultimately good, but when faced with so much heartbrak and struggle, it's easy to question that truth. So I repeat my mantra and I think it's starting to overpower all of my negative thoughts. It brings me comfort and it brings me peace. And that peace is the sweetest feeling there is. My other mantra is "Your plan for my life, not mine." That one helps me remember to let go of the things I want to happen right away, because I know they very well might not and I need to just accept that. His plan is what's right and by submitting my will to it, back comes that inexplicable peace. I know this is the way we're meant to do it, and I'm just sorry it too me so long to fully let go and enjoy the gift of that truth.

Soooo, things are still bad and overwhelming and stressful, and I still wish they would change immediately, but for now, "God is good" and that's enough. I'm clinging to this peace and am so thankful for the relief it has brought me.