Sick

Welcome back to the most depressing blog on the web! Ha. I keep hoping for a chance to write about something really HAPPY and upbeat, but alas, that opportunity has yet to present itself. It has been pointed out to me, and I understand why, that really this is all a matter of choice, meaning we CHOOSE how we are going to react to things. If I want to be positive and hopeful that is fully, 100% up to me. And some days, as I've mentioned before, I really do feel like that. I have days where I feel encouraged and so hopeful about the future; however, thus far anyway, those days are always, always followed by the worst days where all seems bleak and overwhelming. I'm so ready for those days be done, and yet they just keep on coming.

Yesterday was another really bad day. On Monday, I got a call, finally, from the Dr. who did my D&C after the miscarriage. She was calling to answer some questions for me, and really, her answers were anything BUT encouraging. She told me that what I had thought was my first real period a couple of weeks ago (which had been very encouraging to me) was really probably not that at all, considering the fact that my hcg hormone levels had not yet gone back down to zero. She said it was probably just "some leftover tissue and blood from the pregnancy that needed to come out." Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal, but let me tell you, after going through this, ALL you want is for your body to return to normal, and that means starting to have regular cycles again. Hearing that my body was still miscarrying, some 50 days later, was not what I wanted nor needed to hear. This is taking so much longer than I ever thought it would. I feel like my last pregnancy will never actually be over and I will be forced to relive the sadness of the failure of it all over and over and over again.

Additionally, the Dr. told me we would just cancel my previously scheduled appointment coming up on January 31st, when we had planned to talk about the next steps for us to try to get pregnant again (ie what testing to do b/c my cycles have always been SO messed up, and that's what we were starting to look into before all of this happened). Well, she said we should reschedule this appointment for March now, because I need to have a "normal" period before any of that discussion is even relevant. This is so depressing to me. March? I lost my baby in December. By March I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant, not just starting to think about how to go about trying again. One of the hardest parts of all of this is the feeling of time being wasted. We are now talking about an entire half of a year that will be wasted, added to the year it took us to even get pregnant to begin with. And I have so much fear that I am going to go right back to the same old problems of horribly long and irregular cycles, where I rarely, if ever ovulate. It could very well be another year before we're successful again, and then of course there is always the risk that it could all just end in another miscarriage.

I realize all of this hypothetical worrying is pointless, and I try to let it go and just TRUST, but so far I'm mostly failing at that effort. I trusted God before and it did not end well. And yes, I know trusting God does not mean we are guaranteed an easy ride. But this does mean is that I now realize trusting God sometimes means even your worst nightmares can still happen. We're not exempt. I know he cares about me and can turn it all to good, but that doesn't mean this won't happen all over again. I can literally drive myself crazy going in meaningless circles on this issue.

Also, I am paying a lot of money right now to try to get my body on a regular menstrual cycle, what with the weekly acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and trying to eat mostly organic foods. On the one hand, these efforts have helped me feel encouraged that at least I am doing all I can do to help this situation. However, on the other hand I have this fear that even this might not be enough. Maybe it isn't working and all of this money will be wasted. I don't know. There's no way to know the outcome of any of this, and so usually I just give up and drop it all in a heap at God's feet. I ask him to take over because I'm tired of dealing with all of the worry and doubt and fear. Sometimes I feel that works, and other times it doesn't.

Which leads me to yesterday, which as I mentioned previously, was not a good day at all. Work was fine, as it usually is (I really am thankful for my job right now), but at a meeting after school I started to develop a headache that quickly got worse and worse. It also hurt to swallow, but that often happens after a day of talking too much while teaching. Anyway, I brushed it all off and headed home, where I got to hang out with one of my favorite people, my sister, Jenn Moore. She and Logan came over because Jenn and I had planned to start walking one day a week. We never did make it on the walk (too gray, wet, etc.), but as usual Logan managed to make me smile and laugh in the way only he can do. He is such a sweet little man. But then, as they were getting ready to go, Logan was standing by the couch, leaning back and being silly, when I started tickling his exposed belly. Laughing, he bent down a little too quickly and hit the corner of the coffee table HARD with his poor little cheek. He bruised up instantly, and I of course felt awful for tickling him and causing the whole thing. I know he will be just fine, but it still makes you feel bad. So when Jenn and Logan left soon after to go home, I suddenly started crying. It wasn't just what happened to Logan, although I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was just simply everything. I lost it. I cried and sobbed and just let myself go to the emotions that get all bottled up inside. I am overwhelmed by all of the heavy, difficult and unfair things going on in my life (and the lives of loved ones around me). I am SO sick and tired of feeling this way. I hate being sad, and yet I am definitely more sad than I have ever been in my entire life. I cried again, for the first time in a while, for the life of my baby that was lost. I cried for what my mom has had to go through with her illness, and for the uncertainty of what lies ahead. I cried and cried and made deep, sorrowful noises I swear I have never heard come out of me. I spent myself completely and cried until I felt there were no longer any emotions left in my body. I begged God to step in and just HELP me with the burdens I can't fully let go of. I asked him to hear me, and to somehow let me know he hears me.
And then, somehow I just stopped. One can only cry for so long, you know. As I dried my tears and used cold water on my face, I realized my cheeks felt really hot. Still, hadn't I just been crying uncontrollably for a good half an hour? I assumed that's all it was. So I took my pounding headache with me downstairs and started working on some dinner. Finally, my headache got so bad that I just went to bed, where I realized I had chills and could not warm up. I took my temperature and at that point it was only about 99.8, so I figured I'd be fine by morning. At midnight, I woke up again and felt awful, and when I took my temp then it was up to 101.4. Awesome. So, I stayed home from school today to try to kick whatever this is as quickly as possible. And now, I guess I am sick too, just to top it all off. Ha. The thought that keeps coming back to my mind is, "when it rains, it pours." But at some point, the sun really does have to come back out, right? Right?

On a side note, after I read the 101.4 temperature last night, I lay awake for a good three hours, basically obsessing over the fact that the flu shot I was made to get in November when I was pregnant has done nothing but cause me anxiety, and now illness. When I saw my baby on that final ultrasound back in early December, the day they estimated the baby had stopped growing and died was the DAY AFTER my flu shot. I asked about that and they basically told me there is no research that proves there is any increased risk of miscarriage due to flu shots, but that ultimately they really didn't know. They just know they administer them all the time as standard protocol. I let it go. But now, here I am with my first fever and flu-like symptoms in the last 10 years, and I have to wonder about injecting my body with a virus like that. This is the first flu shot I've ever gotten, and look what happened. I know it could all just be coincidence, but I also know that I personally will not EVER get one again. Not ever.

I sincerely hope, for whoever is reading this, that life is treating you better than it seems to be treating me. I don't mean to be so "woe is me", but I am being honest here, and in all honestly life is just really, really hard right now. I'm doing my best to hang on to all the hope I can muster, but with each let down that gets harder and harder to do. So I guess for now, the depressing blog posts will have to continue just a little while longer.